Text oddities, part of the Archipelago. Our comments are in italics. Navigate using right sidebar. Oddities do not necessarily represent our personal views on things, so don't whinge at us about them.
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change
things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a
list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming
freshmen. Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall (2002) across the nation were
born in 1983.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for
a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies in your life.
Two hunters are in the woods, trying to make their way back to the road,
when they come across a deep hole in the ground.
One of them tosses a small rock into the hole. They listen for it to hit bottom.
They hear nothing.
The other tosses a larger rock in. They listen. Nothing.
They look around and find an old railroad tie.
They pick it up, haul it over to the hole, toss it in, and listen.
About that time a goat comes running out of the bushes, full speed, right
at them.
They jump out of the way and the goat dives straight into the hole. They listen.
Nothing.
One guy says to the other, "Man, this is too weird. Let's get the hell
outta here."
They walk a hundred yards or so, find the road, and see an old man coming
toward them.
The old man says, "You boys haven't seen a goat around here, have you?"
They tell him about the goat diving into the hole.
He says, "Well, that couldn't have been my goat. I had him tied up to
a railroad tie."
USMC Rules For Gunfighting:
1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends
who have guns.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is
expensive.
3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough
nor using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal
movement are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend
with a long gun.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics.
They will only remember who lived.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent
on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
9.5. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel
pisses in the flintlock of your musket."
10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to
beat you to death with it because it is empty.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. Have a plan.
13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should
be in FRONT of your gun.
15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
16. Don't drop your guard.
17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your
hands where I can see them).
19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
21. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
23. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment
to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not
start with a "4."
Navy Rules for Gunfighting:
1. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture
2. Send the Marines
3. Drink Coffee
Actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.Details inside."
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (!)
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair
dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your e mail address is: <mailto:Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com>,
or <mailto:Elvis-the-King@companyname.com> Elvis-the-King@companyname.com
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put your trash can on your desk and label it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaffeinate in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with, "In accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up
the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) Don't use any punctuation
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17) Sing along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear
them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss
is of the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing.
For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds
all day.
23) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
24) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name.
25) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I
Won!", "Third time this week!"
26) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run
for your lives, they're loose!"
27) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's
the voices in your head that do."
28) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going
to have to let one of you go."
29) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....
30) Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it
to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
Actual signs in 'English', seen in non-English-speaking countries.
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such
things, please not to read notice.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that
you will be unbearable.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter
more persons,each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then
going alphabetically by National order.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and
11 A.M. daily.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in
strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different
sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the
bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to
the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
>During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip
club at least once.
>All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
>Beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level
on a woman; but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
>The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No
one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any
other part of the building you want without difficulty.
>Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
>A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
>Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
>When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will
still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
>If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises
in their most revealing underwear.
>Cars that crash will invariably burst into flames.
>Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
>If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared
up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
>Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
>A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
>All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts,
so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
>When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
>If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know
all the steps.
>When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks
are your best weapons.
>One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20
men firing at 1 man.
>If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German
bullets are unable to penetrate water.
>Laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems
of an invading alien civilization.
>Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say:
Enter Password Now.
>Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any
of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
>All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
>Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
>A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
>When they are alone, foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
>If you are a hero, you never face charges for manslaughter or criminal
damage despite laying entire cities to waste by your actions.
>You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
>Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless
it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
>You can tell if somebody is British because he will be wearing a bow tie.
>When driving a car, it is normal to look not at the road but rather at
the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
>Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn
the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
>Taxi drivers don't require exact or even approximate payment - the first
bill you pull from your pocket is always correct.
>Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.
>Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three
days before retirement.
>The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will
fall in love.
>If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it
before long.
>The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
>You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
>Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.
>It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the
control tower to talk you down.
>All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
>Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies
using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses,
lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20
minutes to escape.
>If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert
on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
>It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
>Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You
will always choose the right one.
>At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
>Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price
range of most people-whether they are employed or not.
Forwarded to us with the comment "so true"...
TO OUR FAVORITE FEMALE DRINKING BUDDIES:
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies
room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye
Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes
strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jesse Ventura from the - 60 cigarettes you've
smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10 x by now) you only smoke when
you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just
tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong
way, but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling takedown moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not)!
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want
to.
You've seen "A man, a plan, a canal - Panama," but this one is allegedly...
A man, a plan, a caret, a ban, a myriad, a sum, a lac, a liar, a hoop, a
pint, a catalpa, a gas, an oil, a bird, a yell, a vat, a caw, a pax, a wag,
a tax, a nay, a ram, a cap, a yam, a gay, a tsar, a wall, a car, a luger,
a ward, a bin, a woman, a vassal, a wolf, a tuna, a nit, a pall, a fret, a
watt, a bay, a daub, a tan, a cab, a datum, a gall, a hat, a fag, a zap, a
say, a jaw, a lay, a wet, a gallop, a tug, a trot, a trap, a tram, a torr,
a caper, a top, a tonk, a toll, a ball, a fair, a sax, a minim, a tenor, a
bass, a passer, a capital, a rut, an amen, a ted, a cabal, a tang, a sun,
an ass, a maw, a sag, a jam, a dam, a sub, a salt, an axon, a sail, an ad,
a wadi, a radian, a room, a rood, a rip, a tad, a pariah, a revel, a reel,
a reed, a pool, a plug, a pin, a peek, a parabola, a dog, a pat, a cud, a
nu, a fan, a pal, a rum, a nod, an eta, a lag, an eel, a batik, a mug, a mot,
a nap, a maxim, a mood, a leek, a grub, a gob, a gel, a drab, a citadel, a
total, a cedar, a tap, a gag, a rat, a manor, a bar, a gal, a cola, a pap,
a yaw, a tab, a raj, a gab, a nag, a pagan, a bag, a jar, a bat, a way, a
papa, a local, a gar, a baron, a mat, a rag, a gap, a tar, a decal, a tot,
a led, a tic, a bard, a leg, a bog, a burg, a keel, a doom, a mix, a map,
an atom, a gum, a kit, a baleen, a gala, a ten, a don, a mural, a pan, a faun,
a ducat, a pagoda, a lob, a rap, a keep, a nip, a gulp, a loop, a deer, a
leer, a lever, a hair, a pad, a tapir, a door, a moor, an aid, a raid, a wad,
an alias, an ox, an atlas, a bus, a madam, a jag, a saw, a mass, an anus,
a gnat, a lab, a cadet, an em, a natural, a tip, a caress, a pass, a baronet,
a minimax, a sari, a fall, a ballot, a knot, a pot, a rep, a carrot, a mart,
a part, a tort, a gut, a poll, a gateway, a law, a jay, a sap, a zag, a fat,
a hall, a gamut, a dab, a can, a tabu, a day, a batt, a waterfall, a patina,
a nut, a flow, a lass, a van, a mow, a nib, a draw, a regular, a call, a war,
a stay, a gam, a yap, a cam, a ray, an ax, a tag, a wax, a paw, a cat, a valley,
a drib, a lion, a saga, a plat, a catnip, a pooh, a rail, a calamus, a dairyman,
a bater, a canal -- Panama.
(Okay, we don't know what "a led" is either, but getting waterfall and
catnip in the same palindrome has to count for extra.)
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of
furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but
don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to
give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
...is quite simple. Each of the seven characters on the island represents
each of the seven deadly sins. Now, although this theory seems to fit upon
initial inspection, there are technical difficulties when you get down to
THE MAN himself, Gilligan.
Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to
a "T." Any man who can make a ham radio out of some wire and two coconuts
has to be pretty cocky. (His character was later revised and given a series
of his own, called "MacGyver.")
For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than
Maryann, who may have worn those skimpy little tops, but could never achieve
Ginger's glamour. (As an interesting and completely irrelevant side note,
a nationwide survey of college students a few years ago revealed that the
professor and Maryann were voted the most likely couple to have 'done it'
on the island.)
And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUST
incarnate? Sure, the kids were supposed to think she was ACTING, but we all
know what being deprived episode after episode was doing to her. You know
and I know that glazed look wasn't boredom, my friends.
What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on
a three-hour cruise? Mr. Howell gets my vote for GREED.
We are now left with three characters and three Deadly
Sins. We have Gilligan, the Skipper and Mrs. Howell to whom we must match
GLUTTONY, SLOTH and ANGER. As you can see, there is a Gilligan problem here.
Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs. Howell from this equation by connecting
her with SLOTH. She did nothing during her many years on the island and everybody
knows it.
This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the
Skipper had no shortage. He was, after all, a ravenous big guy with the tendency
to hit Gilligan with his hat at least once an episode. After much consideration,
I have decided that he can easily do double-duty, covering the two remaining
Deadly Sins.
So here we have the Seven Deadly Sins trapped in
an endlessly recurring Hell of hope followed by denial and despair, forced
to live with each other in our TVs until the last re-run ends. And who is
their captor? What keeps them trapped there? Gilligan. Gilligan is SATAN.
God help us all...
(We disagree - Gilligan was clearly the glutton. He may not have been fat, but he really put it away. That gives us a tidy match for the 7 sins. Satan was the guest star in each episode - the Harlem Globetrotters, for instance - who gave the castaways hope of rescue and then left without them.)
Some are oldies, some we hadn't seen before and, just for the record, we have our doubts about a couple of these...
1. The US interstate highway system requires that one mile in every five
be straight. These straight sections function as airstrips in times of war
and other emergencies.
2. The Boston University Bridge is the only place in the world where a boat
can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.
3. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs have only about ten.
4. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
stop growing.
5. In every episode of Seinfeld, there is a Superman somewhere.
6. February 1965 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
moon.
7. The cruise liner, Queen Elisabeth II, moves only six inches for every gallon
of diesel fuel that it burns.
8. Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book published in every major
Dewey Decimal category.
9. Columbia University is the second largest land owner in New York City,
after the Catholic Church.
10. Cat urine glows under a black light.
11. Back in the mid-80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered 100%
compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
12. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
13. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
14. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child is
2-6 years of age.
15. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
16. If you have three quarters, four dimes and four pennies, you have $1.19.
You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make
change for a dollar.
17. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
18. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike
factory workers in Malaysia combined.
19. No NFL team which plays its home games in a dome has ever won a Superbowl.
20. The first toilet ever seen on TV was on "Leave it to Beaver."
21. In the Great Fire of London in 1666, half of the city was burned down
but only 6 people were injured.
22. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers
in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers---they saw them as competitors.
23. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 years old.
24. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan".
25. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the
cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life"
26. It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog
throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth.
The frog then uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach contents and
then swallows the stomach back down again.
27. Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode
past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.
28. Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar,
in "Midnight Cowboy". Her entire role lasted only 6 minutes.
29. Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic
flight.
30. Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if
he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.
31. Stewardesses is the longest word that is formally typed with only the
left hand.
32. Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always the same sex.
33. To escape the jaws of a crocodile, push your thumbs into its eyes - it
will release you instantly.
34. If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will come up heads approximately
4950 times because the heads picture weighs more than the tails side, so it
ends up on the bottom more often.
35. Hydroxydeoxycorticosterones is the longest anagram in the English language.
36. Los Angeles' full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los
Angeles de Pornciuncula.
37. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
38. Al Capone's business card said he was a furniture dealer.
39. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.
40. Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubbles'
maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.
41. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
42. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
43. The Ramses brand condom is named after the great Pharaoh Ramses II, who
fathered over 160 children.
44. If NASA sent birds into space, they would soon die because birds need
gravity to swallow.
45. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood
donors.
46. The computer term "byte" is a contraction of "by eight."
47. The average ear of corn has eight hundred kernels arranged in sixteen
rows.
48. The famous split-fingered Vulcan salute is actually intended to represent
the first letter ("shin", pronounced "sheen") of the word "shalom". As a boy,
Leonard Nimoy observed his rabbi using it in a benediction and never forgot
it; he was eventually able to add it to Star Trek lore.
49. The idea that "the Boogie Man will get you" comes from the Boogie people,
who still inhabit an area of Indonesia. These people still act as pirates
today, and attack passing ships.
50. Underground is the only word in the English language that begins and ends
with the letters "und."
51. Barbie's last name is Roberts.
1. Titanic may be big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.
2. Star Wars has WAY better action figure potential.
3. Yoda could use the Force to just lift Titanic out of the water.
4. Leia is a princess, a senator, a diplomat, a freedom fighter, a brilliant
strategist, and Jedi material; Rose is just cute marriage bait.
5. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
6. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge couldn't say "WOW! Look at the size
of that thing!" with any sincerity.
7. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by an evil madman
with a lightsaber as opposed to an idiot with a handgun.
8a. Titanic is egalitarian in that it portrays poor people as sympathetic
characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to the
rank of Admiral.
8b. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.
9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he greases his hair, sneers at the poor,
and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because
he wears an ominous, voluminous black cape and mysterious mask, strangles
people with a glance and blows up entire planets for sport.
10. Yeah, okay, so Leo can dance...but can he fly an X-wing?
11. People have never lost their lives trying to recreate scenes from Star
Wars on the bow of a cruise liner.
12. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt. Now
c'mon...who's really the brave one here?
13. Two words: Harrison Ford
14. There are always more than enough escape pods in Star Wars.
15. Do you have any idea what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of
the world"?
16. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship,he would
either... A: Cut himself free with his lightsaber; B: Use the Force to get
the key; or C: Han Solo would come in at the last second and blast the cuffs
off.
17. "I'd rather be his whore than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting
as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."
18. We all knew the boat was gonna sink, but who was ready for "Luke....I
am your father." ???
19. Han Solo would've missed that dang iceberg!
20. Han, though frozen solid in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament,
returns in excellent health to mount a successful mission against the Empire
on Endor, crushing the enemy and single-handedly paving the way for a brilliant
air campaign which results in the destruction of the Empire's second attempt
at a Death Star, AND claims the heart of his woman with whom he will live
happily ever after. Jack, on the other hand, simply freezes.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down
the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped
out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy
Birthday?"
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout
cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they
do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
> To go outside, and there perchance to stay
> Or to remain within: that is the question:
> Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
> The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
> That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,
> Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
> And so by dozing melt the solid hours
> That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
> And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare
> Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
> A wish to venture forth without delay,
> Then when the portal's opened up, to stand
> As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep;
> To choose not knowing when we may once more
> Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;
> For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
> Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
> And going out and coming in were made
> As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
> What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,
> The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,
> The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,
> The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
> That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
> He might his exodus or entrance make
> With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear,
> Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
> But that the dread of our unheeded cries
> And scratches at a barricaded door
> No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
> And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
> Than run away to unguessed miseries?
> Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
> And thus the bristling hair of resolution
> Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
> And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
> We pause upon the threshold of decision.
© 2000-2004 G. King / RestlessNatives.net. All rights reserved.
HomeMmmm mmm! Tastes
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NativeCraftsLOOK! at the pretty
pictures! SEE! our lack of camera skills! FEAR! that we will come to your
house with our albums!
ArchipelagoA loose
collection of the sublime, ridiculous, and bizarre.
TheNativesMore about your friendly
hosts than you really needed to know.
FAQHave questions
you do, mmmmm? Give you answers we shall, yes.
Legal NoticeDon't steal from
us or blame us for your problems, basically.
Contact
UsDo it. It's been so long since we heard from you that we think maybe
you're in a witness protection program.
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